"ooh, you know who would make a good president?" "who?" "a grown man who just says 'WRONG!' when he disagrees with anything."
Me to family: "maybe I became a writer because none of you would ever let me finish telling a fucking story."
instead of saying "twitter turns 10 today" say "twitter is now in 5th grade" and it makes so much more sense
Give me health care or give me death. Like, unfortunately, literally that's gonna happen.
No matter who you are or what you did, at least you're not the sort of person who signs up for a Segway tour