Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Just got a Groupon for Inauguration tickets.
Remember to not look directly at your son today.
SPOILER ALERT: You didn't win Powerball and work will suck today.