I'm glad The Weeknd spells him name that way, because if he included the "e", this tweet would've been 141 characters and wouldn't have fit.
Please donate to my GoFundMe page. I'm not sick or dying or anything, I just don't want to go to work anymore.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k? Me: Are you crazy? I can't run that far!
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Plot Twist: That Malaysian plane isn't missing. All of us are.