When someone says, "I haven't seen you in forever," a fun response is, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk
I'm ready to tell the truth: Despite what I've told people for years, the reality is, I've never actually been sorry my car is such a mess
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat right next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money"
Nightmare scenario: You start dating someone, and then, after deciding they're the one, you learn they say gracias to Chipotle employees