El Chapo broke out of prison for a third time and I can't get out of my Verizon contract.
Whenever Trump angrily tweets about Hillary I like to imagine that he's actually talking about Hillary Banks from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
That's not what people do in Prius'. People buy hummus from Whole Foods in Prius'. #SB50
Guy on the train just had his iPhone smashed by his kid. We made eye contact after. It was obvious he wants both a time machine and a condom