Doc: [staring at clipboard] how'd you dislocate your shoulder.
Me: didn't want to make two trips to the car for groceries.
Son, you can grow up to be anything you want. Except:
1. A Trump supporter
2. A meninist
3. An internet troll
4. A hipster
Just saw a scarf blowing down the street. I hope Steven Tyler is okay.
Like a good neighbor, please stay over there.
After buying a new car, I was detained for half an hour because the cop didn't believe "I could afford that car legally." #alivewhileblack