"Haha, look at this silly cat chase the laser pointer. They're so easily distracted." ~ person watching cat videos for hours
The yogurt aisle is so confusing now. It's all Greek to me.
How could a man possibly forget his wedding anniversary? That's like the one day a year he gets sex.
Wife says my snoring is a real problem in the bedroom. But honestly, it's a bigger problem at work.
I tell people to fuck off at the end of every voicemail, because I'm certain nobody listens that long.