"If somebody gives you a business card, rip it up in front of them. Show them you're in control."
"Jewish people wear yarmulkes because it's half a hat. It saves money."
"If the Mexicans had their way, we'd be using fireworks for currency."
"My biggest regret is selling my stock in Apple and buying apples. I thought it was hilarious at the time, but everyone has an iPod now."
"Would your bed be more comfortable if your pillow was shaped like a basketball? Or is that racist?"