You pick the boy from the house. We are going to spend some guy time together at the mall, you tell him. He jumps up and down. Things go well at the mall, well right up until you smell something fishy. So you place your nose on his bum. He smell of shit. You panick because you didnt carry diapers, and you were not oriented on what to do when this happens. So you call the one person with all the answers. She says calmly, "go to the supermarket and buy Huggies no 5, and wipes then change him." How can she be so calm in the face of shit?
There are no Huggies no 5 in the supermarket so you call and say, "there are no Huggies no.5" and you can hear her roll her eyes. "What do you see?" You say you see Pampers no 5. "Well, get it!" She says.
In the men's room you place the 16kgs boy on that thingi for changing babies. He refuses to lie on his back. He kicks and screams and kicks. Refuses. He wants to lie on his belly, with his ass in the air. You try and try, nothing. So you call again and report him that he has refused to lie on his back. What do I do? She says, "just talk to him." So you try dialogue but he just stares at you. Then you try again and he kicks and screams. Men walk in the loo and look at you. The loo attendant just stands there staring at you while leaning on his broom. Such as ass.
He completely refuses to lie on his back. You forcefully remove the diaper while he lies on his side. The mess. My dear Kenyans, the mess! Plus the whole loo is smelling of shit. What do these kids eat, man?
Men walk in holding their breath, not one offers to help hold him. You use the diaper in reverse. He kicks. You curse him. He starts crying. You start crying. The goddamn devil of washroom attendant just stands there. Why don't you get popcorns?
Finally you manage to clean and dress him up, 30mins later and whole box of wipes used. The stink! As you kneel to help him into his shoes, and he's holding your head, he kisses it.
Once you have finished dressing him you realise you forgot his underwear on the floor. Oh fuck it.
So now I'm walking in the mall with Ben10 underwear in my pocket. Women truly take a lot of shit.
#1milliForJadudi is officially over! Two days before our deadline. Thanks a million!!!! bit.ly/1DwaWfy
"I was cut when I was 12 years old. With a razor blade. Funny thing is that I'm the one who went to buy the razor blade. I was excited. You see, it was a thing of pride to be cut. No anesthesia was used. The pain was like nothing you can imagine. I bled a great deal and I cried for a very long time. The old woman cut me right in my father's house in Tana River, the space that was supposed to be my safest. Dad was away, when he came back he was livid! For two weeks I walked with my legs held together with a rope as the culture dictated. I peed in a small hole in the ground smoldering with hot charcoal.
It's been 12 years since that morning and I have never forgotten the sound of that razor blade cutting through my flesh. I will never forget that sound, the sound of pain. What would I tell the woman who cut me if I met her now? I would tell her that she was ignorant. That there is nowhere in the Quran that says that Prophet Mohamed's wives and daughters went through FGM. That cutting small girls isn't cultural.
I was lucky that Global Give Back Circle- GGBC and KCDF put me through law school and using law I'm stopping this ignorance that surrounds FGM. Education is a voice. I have convinced mom and dad that it was wrong and my cousins and my friends and the poor girls I meet who imagine that their religion requires them to mutilate themselves. Now I am taking it outside and finally I will take it to the world.
It's not my fault that I was cut. It doesn't make me weak. I speak about it because it's powerless in my hands. I only regret that I was born into this ignorance but I won't die in it. I am sorry for people who are convinced that they are less of a woman or less religious because they haven't been cut.
Ironically FGM has turned me into who I am now. It has fuelled me with passion to stop it. And I will. One woman at a time." - Hibo Yusuf Hussein. @hibzinta
#NEWPOST That Thing In Jadudi's Head - go.shr.lc/1JJyxe3 #1MilliForJadudi
I saw this pal of mine sitting on a bike outside Java Kileleshwa and I said, "Joan, what are you doing on that bike?" Turns out when she turned 40 not long ago she said she was going to "declutter" her "closet"
"I threw out things that were pulling me down; bad habits, bad decisions, dead weight friendships, bad relationships. Then I ran into an old dream of mine, biking. It's something I always said I would do, and because life was happening, I shelved it. But turning 40 makes you reflect. My kids are teenagers now, I have spent my life taking care and worrying over them but now they are grown ups. Increasingly I find that they need me less and less and I found myself wondering what to do with my time and myself. I needed to do me, to do things that I always wanted to do."
So six months ago she threw 260K on this baby, a Hero Karizma ZMR, a 225cc. She says riding is about freedom and independence. "My best discipline has been on a bike, riding has taught me to be more careful and calculative.To ride you need to have a sound state of mind, you also need to be fit and alert.The level of caution in riding and driving is different, with a car you have a shell around you, on a bike you are exposed, which means small mistakes are costly. You cant ride fatigued or with a hangover. Riding has made me reduce my drinking and the pattern significantly because you can't do this when fatigued and hangovered. I wish had discovered riding in my 20s, because of the discipline its brought to my life."
Then she joined Women Bikers Association. Then she met a man in there. OK, not in the Women Bikers Association, but also a biker guy. Together they want to ride to Cairo in what's called Jubilee Ride to raise 150m in education fund for post-election children. It's an initiative of Nairobi Chapel.
Today they all trumpet out of town. I asked the boys I was with, headed for breakfast after a run, what's the first thing they felt when they saw these girls on bikes and they said, "empowerment, courage, admiration, freedom." Then one said, "You know, I don't think these girls are accustomed to being told what to do. They know what they want. And how they want it."
Visa Denied bikozulu.co.ke/visa-denied/ #NewPost
It's tough being a man. You have to be successful. Or intelligent. Or be the kind of guy who saves the world. Charming. Funny. Fresh breath. Fearless. Ambitious. Know how to fix a broken sink. Tall enough to screw a bulb. Be an attentive lover (whatever that is). But God can't give you everything. Not even half of those.
Instead you snore at night. Your feet look like a herbal root? You haven't had a lucky break. Maybe God gave you a large forehead. Or lately you can't see your toes when you stand naked in the bathroom. You have gout. Girls keep telling you, "No, give me YOUR number, I will call you!" And they never call.
Good news, you can fix this and turn the tide without cramming Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People.
You can work hard - or know the right people. Make tons of money. Then buy a luxury car. Like this Jaguar F- Pace. Then see things bend towards you. Society celebrates materialism.
Listen, here is a truism; girls love shiny things. Of course they will all deny it.They will say all they look for in a man is someone with a kind heart, a man who makes them laugh and is sweet and has ambition. Because for them its "more than just looks" and "money." And maybe they mean it. But then show up in a Probox with your jokes and see. The joke will be on you.
I have never gotten so much attention from girls like I have in this car. I swear. You think my forehead would dissuade them? One lady motorist on Riverside drive, right near Aussie high commission puckered her lips at me in a kiss!!! It was fleeting but pornographic in its brazenness. A come on. A "I want to suck you and that car through a short straw, you chocolate in red."
I felt so violated! Felt so cheap! So unclothed. I wish she would see me beyond this borrowed car. See me for who I am, my lovely soul and wild ambition. Gosh I felt so objectified!!