Right now Beyonce, Mary J and Janet Jackson are getting emergency phone calls for a grammy tribute. #productionnightmare
umm, if it's a "note to self," no need to tweet it asshole.
I pulled over to the side of the road to make way for an emergency vehicle. Then I realized it was just the glare of your Ed Hardy hat.
As indicated by the restroom in the Neiman Marcus Cafe, ladies who lunch often also crap their pants.
Dr. Twitter isn't in right now. Go complain to someone who gets paid to listen
When the guy at the mall kiosk says "can i ask you a question?", reply with "You just did." It'll kybosh his dead sea lotion schtick stat
I judge most women according to the face they make while applying mascara.
From this day forward, I will refer to the female genitalia exclusively as Lady Elaine Fairchide.
I bet if Betty Ford was on Foursquare it would make checking in so much more fun
Yom Kippur. The one day a year that anorexic jewish girls feel normal.
I hate the phrase "you gotta love it" because um, I don't have to do what you say.
90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart. Um, I rest my case.
@StudioYogurt why tease us with DD peanut butter??!!! bad form.
Heineken Light tastes like ice water with just the slightest hint of cat piss.
If you pulled that piece of paper out of Angela Landsbury's typewriter, I bet it just says the word "murder" over and over?
Perhaps I'm a beat behind here, but HBOGO=OMFG! #therearenotenoughhoursintheday
There are two kinds of people. Those that constantly tweet the list of food they just ate, and those that aren't bulimic.