Try to remember the worst thing you’ve ever said. Now imagine the one person who would laugh at it. That’s who you should marry.
Since the pharmacy keeps making it harder to buy decongestants, I've just started making them at home from crystal meth.
What time is the In Memoriam segment for everyone who died in these commercials?
Your Netflix queue is mostly a reminder that you can’t even follow through on watching a movie.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s probably because your parents didn’t know the right people or send you to a good school.