#growingupthick having your family say "You're not fat, you're just big boned."
Funny how their plan to "make America great again" looks a lot like America during Jim Crow.
I was recently hospitalized because I have mental health issues. I attempted suicide on September 11th, 2015 and was never hospitalized. From then until now I've been trying to control my issues myself. I had been successful for years channeling my emotions into my music and turning my past suffering into something positive. Like many of u who are reading this, I experienced sexual abuse & rape as a kid. And despite being hospitalized briefly as a teen I never dealt with my suppressed issues until I had no choice but to confront them after losing a baby. The depression changed my life. I was pushed away by the very people who should have held me closest. My best friend Keisha is the one who urged me to stop keeping it secret and to finally open up. I owe my life to Keisha. She treated me like treasure even when I felt like I was nothing.
Because of my experience I now believe that we need to change the way we think about mental illness. You would never look at someone who suffered from diabetes and say "Look at yourself. Who could love you like this?" But those words were said to me. You would never look at a person who had asthma and say "Kill yourself." But it was said to me. The vulnerability that comes with depression leaves those who suffer from it open to emotional abuse, exploitation, abandonment, and more. My treatment was so harsh that I started to self-harm just to feel something other than emotional pain.
Nobody made me go into a mental health hospital. I put myself there, hoping to get help. Then, because of how messed up the medical system is, I had to scheme and strategize just to get out. Since being hospitalized, I have kept in touch with some of the women I met in the ward. We support each other. They felt unseen and unheard. So I promised them that I would use my little platform to tell our story.
Some of u will judge me and call me weak for attempting suicide. If u call me a coward I'll call u stupid. (And probably cuss u out.) Because until u have stared death in the face and felt the comfort of NOTHINGNESS, until u have lived that and actually kept going, u can't tell me that u are stronger than me.
I am going to talk about what was done to me. I am going to talk about what I did to myself as a result. And I hope doing this will lead to several conversations. I want people to start talking about emotional abuse, specifically about how cheating and ghosting are forms of emotional abuse. I want people to talk about the long term affects of trauma on kids. I want all the people who gripe about women's reproductive rights to start talking about women's mental health concerns, too. Because a lot of us are suffering. We are not crazy. We are in pain. And pain deserves compassion.
If u're really hospitalized for a suicide attempt they don't let u leave the next day. U get put on a 72 hour psychiatric hold. But whatever
Today's drama... This morning, all of Shea Butter Twitter got mad at me over this tweet. These girls on my TL were talking about how after Jesse Williams' speech at the BET Awards last night, he is officially "woke bae," and they were bashing his wife (calling her ugly) and saying they wanted to "sit on woke bae's face." So I tweeted this, followed by a tweet explaining that women don't want our intellect overlooked in favor of our sex appeal so we shouldn't do it to men. Chicks got soooo mad, as if I invented the concept of the hypersexualization of the black male. LoLz. Personally, idgaf who gets mad. Feminists annihilated guys for saying Bree Newsome was sexy and Amandla Stenberg is hot. But it's totally cool to sexualize Jesse and bash his wife simply because he is male? I even had someone say black men can't be sexualized because in order to be sexualized u have to be on the loosing side of a power imbalance. Excuuuuuuse me? Are u kidding? Black male sexuality is a selling point! It's been exploited since slaver! It's all fun and games to perpetuate the "black guys are only good for one thing" narrative, but one day we are gonna grow up have sons and YOU are gonna have to explain to your kid why everybody wants to f*ck a black guy but nobody takes them seriously. Everybody wants to f*ck a black guy but don't have a kid by him cuz they are deadbeat dads. Everybody wants to f*ck a black guy but don't fall in love because they are all cheaters. Everybody wants to f*ck a black guy but we don't have to listen to anything he has to say cuz he's not an intellectual. All races have stereotypes, we all know it. Let's not play dumb. Let's deal with it. I'm never gonna back down from sharing an unpopular opinion. I don't care how many Twitter nigs get mad.
#ILiedAbout my feelings when u asked "What's wrong" and I said "Nothing."