I'm sorry I made sex noises when you showed me the garlic bread.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I was never picked last for gym class but it did always come down to me and the girl who licked the mats.
My favorite yoga position is downward facing ice cream.
I'm not confident enough to say the word hummus in public.
I flushed a tiny spider and then flushed twice more as if it was clinging to a pipe waiting to come back seeking revenge.
Woke up with string cheese wrappers in my bed so I’m not really sure where my life is headed at this point.