This Chick-fil-A scandal has got me worried. I want to go to Arby’s but I don’t know where they stand on the unrest in Syria.
WARNING: This tweet is not for younger readers! OK, here we go. Tits.
July 4, 1776: the day that we “unfollowed” King George. #waytoointotwitter
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Turns out, "Cowboys & Aliens" is NOT about Arizona’s immigration laws.
Thank God Beyonce had her baby and can go back to work. For the past 6 months that family's had to live entirely on Jay-Z's salary.
If Voldemort is such a powerful wizard, why can’t he conjure up a new nose?
On this day, Jesus broke free from the giant chocolate egg and led his bunny army to victory against the Nazis!
I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem.
This morning I thought I heard a neighbor blasting that new @Skrillex song I like, but then I realized it was just the garbage truck.
It’s hard to believe that the greatest division in American politics these days is “pro-“ or “anti-Chick-fil-A.”
Tomorrow we celebrate our independence from Britain—with firecrackers imported from China. #doomed
Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.
I don't care where LeBron James ends up... As long as it's not at 11pm on TBS.
I'm shocked. Back when Brian Williams and I killed Osama Bin Laden, he seemed like an honest guy.
My wife and I each have a celebrity we're allowed to sleep with, no strings attached. Hers is Ryan Gosling. Mine is also Ryan Gosling.
My son asked me where babies come from, and to distract him I said "some day we're all going to die."
Six years ago Newscorp bought MySpace for $580 million. Last week they sold it for $35 million. Today I saw it on eBay for 88 bucks.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.